Crystal Skull Not the Most Important Thing at Cannes

The premier at Cannes of the film Blindness, which was based on the novel by Jose Saramago, was a more note-worthy event than the latest installment of the Indiana Jones series. [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'The rats and I watched the coverage from Cannes because we wanted to see how they were going to commemorate the Cannes that was interrupted in '68 by demonstrators because France was pretty lively that year, and we were also interested in the premiere of the movie version of Blindness by Jose Saramago, who really is a very engaging and engaged writer, and has after all won the Nobel prize for literature, which means more than a Palme d'Or in my book, but there wasn't much worthwhile news about '68 or Saramago, just a lot of chatter about how the latest Indiana Jones movie premiered at Cannes and would the critics like or not, and all the secrecy around it, and while the rats are probably more afraid of snakes than Indiana Jones is, they think that Cannes is the wrong place to premier what is essentially a B-movie, and I think that Saramago at 85 is far more worthy of veneration as a vintage treasure than Harrison Ford at 65.']

Polar Bears are Endangered and Papa Bear is a Danger

Polar bears are on the endangered species list because polar ice is melting, and humans are threatened by global warming, too, but right-wing pundits like Bill O'Reilly want us to believe there's no way of knowing what's causing climate change or how we can stop it! [Click on the image for a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'At the salon I told my stylist Jenna that I wanted a different look, and while she was cutting my hair I mentioned that I have a hundred-gallon aquarium now because I keep rescuing fish, and she was a little put off by that, so I changed the subject and asked if she watches Stephen Colbert, and she said, "I think he’s adorable, but I don’t know why he hates bears so much," and I said, "I thought he was making fun of Bill O'Reilly -- Papa Bear," and she said, "Did you see that old clip of O'Reilly on YouTube screaming abuse at people?" and I said, "He's horrible, and he makes excuses for the war and global warming..." and she had to use the blow-drier for a while and then she said, "I heard that polar bears are going extinct because of global warming," and I said, "That's what Papa Bear should be screaming about," and then I said I liked my new cut, but now I'm not sure it's bold enough, and even the fish seem to think it's a little tame, and though they're not crazy about bears either, they regret the fact that the polar bears are drowning, because they know that rising sea levels are a way bigger threat to anybody without gills than bears are -- or for that matter the liberals Bill O’Reilly hates so much.']

Which is Worse, Golf or Aging Rock Stars?

When David Lee Roth and the Van Halens contributed generously to the Tiger Woods Foundation, I decided to jump at the chance to talk about the negative environmental impact of golf. [Click on the image to see a larger version of this cartoon. The text reads: 'Leda was here because her father was at her place watching golf on TV, and she said, "Golf is the most outrageously boring thing in the world," and I said, "I read that David Lee Roth and the Van Halens gave a lot of money to Tiger Woods' Foundation, and I think aging rock stars are the most boring thing in the world," and Leda said, "Lewis Black should do a Root of All Evil show to decide between golf and aging rock stars," and I said, "I didn't say aging rock stars are more EVIL than golf," and Leda said, "But don't aging rock stars and golf both bore people to death, which is inherently evil?" and I said, "Golf courses use huge amounts of pesticides and pollute ground water and destroy wetlands, whereas aging rock stars just act embarrassing," and Leda said, "My dad loves Van Halen," and I said, "With or without David Lee Roth?" and she said, "This conversation is getting outrageously boring," and she went back to her place to tell her dad why golf sucks, and my rabbit, who likes his greens organic and secretly loves Van Halen, wanted to listen to “Jump,” so we went ahead and did.']

Tom Cruise Should Crusade Against Mountaintop Removal

Oprah went to Tom Cruise's mountaintop home to interview him, and she was awed by the beautiful views. But all mountaintops are awesome, and mountaintop removal is destroying them. [Click on image to see a larger version. The text reads: 'I just saw Oprah interview Tom Cruise at his mountaintop mansion, and she raved about the house and said the views were so beautiful she wanted to cry, and she ended up wishing him, "the peace that this mountain can bring," and I think the interview went well -- definitely better than three years ago when he was jumping on Oprah's couch, which is important for Cruise because people have disliked all his Scientology preaching, like when he criticized the way Brooke Shields dealt with her postpartum depression, but I think there's something else Cruise could consider preaching against since he loves living on a mountaintop so much, and that's mountaintop removal, which is when big coal companies go into the Appalachians and blast the whole tops off mountains and dump the rubble into the streams and valleys below, and my dog and I love hiking, and we hate to think of mountains becoming wastelands, so we think Cruise should crusade against mountaintop removal and then buy a mountaintop in West Virginia so that there would be at least one mountain the coal companies would probably not try to desecrate.']

How Green Are Billboard's Greenest Musicians?

I love the Roots, but I wonder how green some of Billboard's greenest musicians really are, especially the ones being honored for using biofuels. [Click on the image for a larger version of the cartoon. The text reads: "The day after Earth Day, Billboard named the ten greenest musicians, and I was excited that the Roots made the list because they speak out about nonviolence and vegetarianism, and I'm not a Radiohead fan, but I'm glad they were on the list too because it was pretty radical to make a downloadable-only album and they also pretty much refuse to travel, but a lot of the musicians on the list just do things like carbon offsetting and using biodiesel in their tour buses, which reminds me of that Live Earth concert last year when thousands of people traveled thousands of miles and made a negative environmental impact so they could tell people not to make a negative environmental impact, and while I understand the motive for Willie Nelson's biodiesel, there are food riots going on because we might not be able to use our crops to keep all these cars and trucks going, so we should probably try to be more like my gerbil because the only wheel he keeps rolling is the one he powers himself."]

Brigitte Bardot Could Learn a Lot from Cesar Chavez

Brigitte Bardot has again been fined for her anti-immigrant comments. She could learn a lot from Cesar Chavez, who helped immigrants and animals and everybody, really. [Click on the image for a larger version of the cartoon. The text reads: 'I told Tea I was going out of town to visit my rescued Premarin mare, and she said, "Premarin -- isn't that hormone pills?" and I said, "Made from pregnant mare's urine; my mare peed for a drug company for years and then she was slated to be dogfood," and Tea said, "I just saw Brigitte Bardot on the news and she must have stopped taking her hormone pills -- she looks really old and she's always going on about animals," and I said, "Wasn't she just fined for saying bad things about Muslim immigrants?" and Tea said, "She says she hates the way Muslims slaughter sheep on one of their holidays," and I said, "So the French were really kind to animals before Muslims came along? How about the way they force food down a goose's gullet until its liver turns to pate?" and Tea said, "A lot of people that are sentimental about animals are really right-wing -- I mean, Hitler was a vegetarian," and I said, "That's debatable, but Cesar Chavez was definitely a vegetarian, and he did lots of good things for immigrants," and Tea said, "He was probably just too poor to afford meat," and I said," There's no reason you can't be kind to animals and people, too," and to prove it, I left to go visit my mare before I told Tea I thought she was talking horseshit.']

Charlton Heston and Respect for Other Primates

Charlton Heston died recently, but instead of commenting on his NRA connections, I decided to remember his role in Planet of the Apes and recommend some respect for non-human primates. [Click on the image for a larger version of the cartoon. The text reads: 'My monkey Peanut and I went to Ceci's house to watch some old movies, and we heard that Charlton Heston was dead, and I said, "Well, we can finally pry the gun from his cold, dead hands," and Ceci laughed, and then she said, "But I did like some of his movies," and we started talking about Heston films, and Ceci seemed surprised when I said that Peanut hates the Planet of the Apes movies because they're so unrealistic, and she said, "What do you think about Soylent Green?" and I said, "It had global warming and food riots, so it was more believable than a movie about a place where the monkeys are in charge," and Ceci said, "Speaking of monkeys, I saw a program on TV that said they can grow up to be really aggressive -- remember when Paris Hilton's monkey bit her?" and I said, "Actually, it was a kinkajoo," and then I said Peanut and I had to go, but to be honest, I've been thinking the same thing lately, that Peanut isn't going to be too happy with me when he grows up, and he actually does like Planet of the Apes movies more than I would like to admit.']

Demi Moore's Leech Therapy and the Health Care Crisis

Demi Moore's leech therapy seems so medieval, but so does the lack of affordable health care in the United States! [Click on the image for a larger version of the cartoon. The text reads: 'I'm a big believer in alternative medicine, and I go for shiatsu and a chiropractic workover at least once a month, but when Demi Moore told Letterman about her leech therapy -- I mean she said they put leeches in her belly button (her term, not mine) to suck out the toxins -- I began to wonder what that meant about the zeitgeist, and I know leeches have medical uses, and they say Demi's trying lots of rejuvenating possibilities because she's a little desperate about being 15 years older than her husband, but it sounds so medieval, and yet with the way things are going in our healthcare system, it's probably only a matter of time before your only option is to go to the barber for a good bleed, because everything else is so expensive and insurance rates just keep going up, and a lot of other medieval things are coming back -- like torture -- so I decided to adopt a few leeches of my own because they say the recession is coming, and I can always use extra ways to supplement my income.']

Favorite Daytime TV Host

I like Ellen, but no matter what the polls say, I love Oprah for the puppy mill show that she dedicated to her dog. And Phil Donahue's movie, Body of War, is out now, too, which is what makes him our favorite talk show host. [Click on the image for a larger version of the cartoon. The text reads: 'Brie was here and she said, “According to some poll, Ellen DeGeneres is America’s favorite talk show host, and you know I love Ellen,” and I said, “I heard that, too, but I don’t think people like her more than Oprah,” and Brie said, “They said Larry King is least sexy,” and I said, “Duh!” and we talked about talk show hosts for a while, and finally I said, “Do you remember Phil Donahue?” and she said, “I think he was married to Marlo Thomas, and I ever so vaguely remember ‘That Girl,’” and I said, “They kicked Donahue off the air because he was controversial, but he just made a movie about a paralyzed Iraq veteran,’ and then I said, ‘I love Oprah, but Phil Donahue is my favorite talk show host now,’ and Brie said, ”Well, he’s not on any more, so he can’t be,’ and I said, “ We should start a campaign to bring him back,” but Brie said she was already multitasking and hardly had time to be here in the first place, which I found kind of insulting, and then I said, “Remember that dog Ellen gave away that she shouldn’t have? Well, Oprah dedicated a whole show to her dog,” and Brie left in a huff, and my dog and I watched Oprah on the laptop, so we could be multitasking too...']

McCartney-Mills Divorce Settlement

I applaud activism, and McCartney and Mills made a nice couple, but the rich are still different from you and me. [Click on the image for a larger version of the cartoon. The text reads: 'On St. Patrick’s Day I heard about the divorce settlement between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills, and Paul has always been my favorite Beatle and I loved his vegetarian lifestyle and the rabbit loved his opposition to bloodsports, and I admired her work against landmines, and I thought they made a fabulous couple, but the marriage didn’t last, and they said she was just a golddigger and he should have signed a prenup, so the whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth, and I guess Brangelina will have to be my favorite celebrity activist couple now, and it does occur to me that actually they’re just a bunch of spoiled rich people, but at least the taxpayers don’t have to bail them out of the consequences of their stupid decisions like we’ll probably have to do for Bear Stearns.']